Communication is Key

May 6, 2012 § Leave a comment

Do you remember my friend Jane?   And her bruiser client?  Well, she’s back with another story to share.

Jane was working in a spa where they use those plastic coiled key chains for the locker keys.

One day she is working on a client from the Midwest.  As she’s finishing the massage, she drapes his robe across his lap, puts his slippers next to the table on the floor, and takes his locker key and slips it onto his wrist.

He asks with both hesitance and curiosity “What is that you are putting on my wrist?”

“It’s your locker key so you don’t forget it.”

(Note- As Jane told me this story, my reply was “It’s my room key, baby.”  That’s the kind of snarky girl I am.)

He replies.  “Oh. I thought for a minute you were putting hand cuffs on.”

SAY WHAT???????

She burst into hysterical laughter.  When she finally got herself under control she told him “Umm…no it’s your locker key. The spa has us get your robe and slippers for you and if I see the key I slide on your wrist so you don’t for get it.”

Hand cuffs.  Haven’t tried those.  Although sometimes it seems like they just might be a good idea.  Might help them keep their hands to themselves.

Taco Tuesday

May 1, 2012 § 3 Comments - Make you a sandwich? Why, here's a taco!

It’s Tuesday.  So I think I’ll share one of my favorite stories.  And by “favorite”, I mean one of my most disturbing but sadly not surprising stories.

Lots of restaurants do a “Taco Tuesday” special.  You can find them all over the country.  That’s great if you’re a taco lover.  (Which, I fully admit, sounds dirty itself)

One afternoon, I’m talking to my client.  He and I had known each other for years.  We have fairly open conversations.

This particular afternoon, he’d had a couple of cocktails.  I’m guessing he was a few sheets to the wind.  Generally I will not work on people with any alcohol in their system, but because of your long term relationship and because I understand his body so well, I wasn’t too worried about it.  I know exactly what his body can deal with in a massage.

So we’re working and chatting.  He was especially chatty given the loose lips nature of boozing it up. He asks about my week. I tell him I’d been to  Taco Tuesday a couple of days before.

“Ohhhhhh…. Taco Tuesday.  That sounds like fun.  Good tacos?”

“Yeah. It’s a family favorite and I don’t have to cook.”

“Well, the guys at the party last night were talking about Taco Tuesday too.  But not that Taco Tuesday.”

*Pause.  Consider where this is going and if I want to follow.  Oh, what the hell.*

“Really?  What Taco Tuesday were the talking about?”

And so he tells me.  He tells me how they were all sharing the names of the websites they use to choose tacos.  To choose pink tacos.  Nope, not the restaurant chain. To choose the “adult companions” they want based on their vagina.  Based on a photo on a website.  And how proud they all were as they shared their secret stash. And which tacos were their favorite.  They were giving recommendations.  That this is how they celebrate Taco Tuesday.

Without skipping a beat I told him “Well, I at least they know exactly what they’re getting.”

I’m sure their mothers and wives would be so damn proud.

The Client List – Take 2

April 11, 2012 § 3 Comments - The rest of the massage feels so empty when you do the Happy Ending first...
Ok.  So I did it.  I watched The Client List.  And by “watched” I mean the TV was on and I took notes and tried to pay attention but found myself distracted by some really crappy “Texas accents”.  But hey… here’s the rub on Riley and “The Rub.”

Scene opens.  Jennifer Love-Hewitt (who we’ll just call JLH from here on out), aka “Riley” is happily prancing around her house in a shirt that’s tied up so you can see her belly, but also open enough so you can ogle her boobs.  Because really, that’s what this show is about.  Her rocking body and how to show it off.  (This was only confirmed by the kerfuffle over her ads being altered to DOWNPLAY her “ladies”. Check it out on The Huffington Post and more here)  It’s her husband’s birthday and she bought him a present!  So… he stomps off.  Because of course they’re having money problems since his knee is screwed up and he is out of work.  She follows him inside.  They fight.  She tells him she went all over town to find that awesome leather jacket (?) she got him at 70% off!  More fighting in the kitchen.  Then… sex on the counter. Oh yeah….

And so we’ve set the stage for “The Client List.”  Tight clothes, rocking bods, and sex on the counter.

What’s this show about again?

Anyway, while out searching for work herself  Riley runs into her old friend Selena from massage school.  Selena is driving a killer car!  She’s happy!  She’s working!  Riley’s tells her she hasn’t had massage work in a year.  Selena tells Riley about “The Rub” where she’s working and gives her the card and tells her to call.  So she does…

Um… wait.  WHAT?????  Back up a second.  SHE HASN’T HAD MASSAGE WORK IN A YEAR????  Has she, you know, looked?  Because I can do a quick search online right now and find a number of jobs.  Maybe her throbbing bosom gets in the way of her doing an online search.  I HATE when that happens!

Ok… So Riley drives to “The Rub” in Sugarland, Texas.  Or Maybe it’s Sugar Land.  Whatever.  She walks in and meets  Georgia Cummins (Loretta Devine), the owner of The Rub.  Georgia says Selena told me you’d be calling and I’m so glad you did. *Looks her up and down* I like what I see and I have a job for you!  “This job is all about flexibility.”  And then she gives her a job.  Right then and there.

STOP!  Now I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  If you are a professional massage therapist and someone offers you a job without asking for a demo massage first, you really should KNOW things probably aren’t legit.  Also, take a look around.  Everyone is wearing half unbuttoned shirts.  *WARNING WARNING*  Of course, Riley also couldn’t find a job in over a year so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.

Back to “the story”.  She meets another therapist. They shake hands. Riley says “That’s quite a grip you’ve got there!” “That’s why I make the big bucks.”  I’ll take a massage with a side of innuendo.

Riley has her first client.  He’s super hunky. Oh la la.  “What shall we work on?” Blah Blah… “My hips and legs are a little tight, too.”

STOP!  I’ve actually heard this before.  It’s true.  Followed by “I’m really not trying to get you to do anything.”  Buwahahahahaha

So Riley starts to massage Mr. Tight Thighs on his shoulders. She moves to his legs when he mentions “the tightness.”  To do this, she simply turns her body so her ASS IS RIGHT IN HIS FACE!  And… shockingly… he grabs it.  I know.  I know.  I couldn’t believe it either.  This guy who’s been checking her out as she pours out of her half unbuttoned shirt actually grabbed her ass when she stuck it right in his face while bending over.

HEY JLH!  How about learning a little bit of actual massage technique for this show?  I mean seriously, I will come and teach you!  Because while the premise does disservice enough to my profession, your “technique” REALLY makes us look bad!  Some good body mechanics might help you land a job!  Not to mention actually using some proper technique.  I guess you  lied on that resume you gave Georgia.

Well, Riley is SHOCKED and PISSED that Mr. Tight Thighs dare to go there!  She stomps out.  She confronts Georgia.  Georgia says Selena told her that’s the kind of work Riley wanted to do.  That 95% of their work was legit but some clients like “extras” (which, by the way, is indeed a euphemism that is used and understood in the industry).  Riley is shocked.  Well not her!  She’s a married woman!  Fine, you can see the non-extra clients.  It’s all good.

Side note- There are a lot of girls working in this place.  If 95% of the clients aren’t on “the list” who want something more, why are so many of these girls in the “something more” pool to choose from?  Huh?  What?  I’m confused.

So… blah blah… parade of hairy, overweight, old, rude, and “unattractive” clients.  (NOTE- A good therapist doesn’t give a crap what you look like or if you are hairy.)  The tips aren’t so big from these everyday clients.  Sheesh.  Maybe it’s her crappy technique?  That’s my thought.   Then Riley’s husband leaves her.  With the two kids.  So, of course, her only choice is to go ahead and see the “special clients” and really get her groove on.

BUT good news!  While the everyday clients are everyday people, the extras clients are ALL SUPER ADONIS HUNKS! Because.. yeah… that’s how it is.  It’s always the Adonis young men who are looking for extras.  It’s never the hairy, older, overweight CEOs who have 5 houses around the world.  Nope.  Not in Texas it isn’t.  And they are super charming.  They buy her lingerie to work in!  They say things like “It’s been a long time since someone’s touched me like that.”  And some of them just want someone to talk too.  It’s a good thing Riley is smoking hot AND a good listener!

The money starts rolling in.  Riley pays her mortgage in cold hard cash.  Her  husband’s brother accuses her of having A SUGAR DADDY!  And the client who just  needs someone to talk to?  His wife is stalking Riley and writing “WHORE” on her car.  But no worries.  Riley confronts her and then fixes their marriage.  Because she can’t save her own.  *Shed tear here*

Riley is on her way to the good life by dealing out some handsy massages.  Oh yeah… and some ice massages too.  9 1/2 weeks, anyone?

Of course, the other girls do seem to be showing a bit of jealousy because Riley is really bringing in the clients!  AND they’re angry because she’s TALKING to them and saving marriages and that’s not in their job description.  So we’ll see where that goes.  Maybe there will be a pillow fight!!!!!

While this show misses a lot on the actual massage side, they do have the catty nature of women working in a spa down pat.

Now here’s the thing.  A lot of this isn’t actually that far from what happens!

I have lots of clients who like to talk.  I know more things about more people.  I know about their families, I know about their trips, I know about their homes all over the world, their vacations, their marital woes, their affairs, their dinner parties, their everything… Many people do talk on the massage table.  And what happens in the massage room, stays in the massage room.

And clients do make hilarious statements and requests.  They will tell me how to do my job.  They will see how far they can push things.  If they didn’t, I wouldn’t be writing this blog.  It’s true.  Oh, Riley has a blog too!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

People are f***ing hilarious.

And so is The Client List.

It’s like a wet dream on the screen.  It’s like being a stripper to get through med school.

And yes, I will probably watch again.  Mostly because I want to see how much innuendo and “macheesemo” they can fit into an episode. (Of course I know it’s machismo.  It’s a pun.  Lighten up.)

But I will not be changing my name to Riley anytime soon.

Coming Soon– The Client List!!!

April 3, 2012 § Leave a comment

There’s a new show coming to Lifetime this Sunday at 10pm.  It’s called “The Client List.” starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.  It’s about a “small town girl”/single mom named Riley Parks (Hey!  Why not call her Ivana Doya?) balancing her family life (two small kids!  overbearing mother!) with her work life as a massage therapist in a “legit day spa” (seemingly called “The Rub at Sugarland.”  SERIOUSLY???)  that *gasp* offers special favors to “special clients.”  Two lives… one woman… many secrets. Can she keep them separate?  Will her family find out?  Will her clients say things that even begin to match the things I hear?????

I. Am. Fascinated!

I’ve known about this show for a while because frankly the professional massage therapist community has been in an uproar!  How this is going to reflect badly on the profession that people have spent years trying to convince others is, indeed, simply a profession and not “the oldest profession.”  How this is going to lead to an increase in clients asking for “special favors”, “happy endings”, and just straight up sex.  How this is going to set the massage therapy world back 100 years.  How this will ruin us all.

I don’t disagree with these points, however my ridiculously curious mind mixed with my dirtier-than-many-men’s mind really wants to see how this thing plays out.  What can I say.  I’m human.

First, I LOVE that this show is on the Lifetime Network.  The self-proclaimed “… source for women’s entertainment including games, movies, shows, full episodes, style, astrology, sweepstakes and more.”  Because when I think of a show about a sexy massage therapist giving hand jobs, shown in the print ads wearing lingerie (??), I think THIS is a show for women!  And with lines like “Women are complicated” and “I seem to have some tension in my upper thigh” I again think “Oh yes.  Definitely a show aimed at women”.  Of course, at it’s heart it seems to be a show about a woman trying to survive and finding balance in her life.  Not, perhaps, in the way I do it… but all the same.  What woman can’t relate to that?  At least, that’s what I get as the “selling points” from the ads and what I’ve heard.

Second, I am salivating thinking about how many cliche lines they will fill this series with.  It’s kind of like taking my life and putting it on screen. Except I don’t have writers.  Do you think the writers for the show got to do “research”????

And it doesn’t help that JLH keeps tossing out little cuteisms like “Should I say “coming soon?” (pun intended)” and “Hot girls in lingerie is always a good start” and “The men always leave happy… *giggle*… pun intended!”  Also that she’s walking around in all kinds of lingerie and giving her boobs more screen time than her hands.  (For the record, professional massage therapists use their HANDS to massage and NOT their breasts. You may be confused by this when watching the ads.)

I must confess… I am mildly ashamed by my fascination.  Because professional massage therapists, both men and women (if you remember my post about Matt) have to deal with a lot of nonsense.   Clients will test your boundaries and see how far they can push you and what they can get. Granted, I have a much higher bullshit threshold than many people.  But still… I don’t need my clients groping and asking for any more favors.  Because I am NOT part of the oldest profession.  That stuff doesn’t happen on my table. I am, in fact, a professional massage therapist and love my job.  And “The Client List” probably isn’t going to do my profession many PR favors.  Although it has been getting the massage world a whole lot of attention.

Fact is, if I was offering bonuses… or hell, even massage dressed like she is… my tips would be rolling in too.  But that’s not my job.

Yet I can’t help it.  I am fascinated by this show.

It’s like watching a train wreck.

And in a few days, I can come back and write about it again!

Question: Should I Shave My Legs?

March 6, 2012 § 2 Comments

I have women come in all the time and immediately apologize for not having shaved their legs.

Please.  Let this serve as your invitation to not worry about that.

Many times you are better off NOT shaving your legs right before you walk in for a massage.  The skin will be less irritated and sensitive than if you’ve just shaved.  And for goodness’ sake, DO NOT shave right before going in for a body treatment.  Especially a salt scrub.  Because it will feel like you’re legs are covered in fire ants and you will be sorry.

The fact is I work with men regularly.  And they aren’t shaving for me.  So I’m used to hair on legs.  I’m used to hair everywhere.  I’ve seen a lot of hair.  Your legs can’t scare me.

If you feel better about it, by all means shave.  Shave that morning.  Shave the night before.  But shave for you.  Not for me.  I don’t care how much hair you do or don’t have on your legs.  And neither should any other well trained therapist.

Really.  I promise.  Leave your shaving guilt at home.



Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

February 28, 2012 § 1 Comment

This is a story about my friend.



I promise.

We’ll call her Jane.

It happened at the end of a busy day.  She was scheduled with an hour session of really deep work.  She was doing a couples massage with another therapist.   We’ll call him Rob.

The clients were an NFL player and his paramour. They come in.  They get settled.  Jane and Rob begin working.

Jane’s client is a big guy.  Tight muscles. Athlete muscles.  He likes really deep pressure. She’s working the legs.  She’s “sweating (her) ass off trying to dig into his hamstrings” and keeps thinking to herself  “Oh my God.  PLEASE don’t slip off his hamstrings and rack his nut sack!”

(Good news.  She didn’t.)

Now when you’re doing a couples massage, you’re generally pretty focused on your own client.  In your own zone, so to speak.  But you maintain awareness of what’s going on in the room so things don’t get too out of sync or disruptive to the other client and therapist.

So there’s Jane, sweating and digging, worrying about her slipping hands. And Rob undrapes the female client’s leg and bum.

“The look on his face was priceless!”  Rob looked at her, wide eyed.  A deer caught in the headlights.

There they were.

Five hand shaped bruises on her cheek. Deep purple. Couldn’t be missed.

The bruises were so obvious you could tell exactly where the thumbs were.  No question what position the male was playing in that game!

Maybe he was practicing to be Quarterback.