The Client List – Take 2

April 11, 2012 § 3 Comments

someecards.com - The rest of the massage feels so empty when you do the Happy Ending first...
Ok.  So I did it.  I watched The Client List.  And by “watched” I mean the TV was on and I took notes and tried to pay attention but found myself distracted by some really crappy “Texas accents”.  But hey… here’s the rub on Riley and “The Rub.”

Scene opens.  Jennifer Love-Hewitt (who we’ll just call JLH from here on out), aka “Riley” is happily prancing around her house in a shirt that’s tied up so you can see her belly, but also open enough so you can ogle her boobs.  Because really, that’s what this show is about.  Her rocking body and how to show it off.  (This was only confirmed by the kerfuffle over her ads being altered to DOWNPLAY her “ladies”. Check it out on The Huffington Post and more here)  It’s her husband’s birthday and she bought him a present!  So… he stomps off.  Because of course they’re having money problems since his knee is screwed up and he is out of work.  She follows him inside.  They fight.  She tells him she went all over town to find that awesome leather jacket (?) she got him at 70% off!  More fighting in the kitchen.  Then… sex on the counter. Oh yeah….

And so we’ve set the stage for “The Client List.”  Tight clothes, rocking bods, and sex on the counter.

What’s this show about again?

Anyway, while out searching for work herself  Riley runs into her old friend Selena from massage school.  Selena is driving a killer car!  She’s happy!  She’s working!  Riley’s tells her she hasn’t had massage work in a year.  Selena tells Riley about “The Rub” where she’s working and gives her the card and tells her to call.  So she does…

Um… wait.  WHAT?????  Back up a second.  SHE HASN’T HAD MASSAGE WORK IN A YEAR????  Has she, you know, looked?  Because I can do a quick search online right now and find a number of jobs.  Maybe her throbbing bosom gets in the way of her doing an online search.  I HATE when that happens!

Ok… So Riley drives to “The Rub” in Sugarland, Texas.  Or Maybe it’s Sugar Land.  Whatever.  She walks in and meets  Georgia Cummins (Loretta Devine), the owner of The Rub.  Georgia says Selena told me you’d be calling and I’m so glad you did. *Looks her up and down* I like what I see and I have a job for you!  “This job is all about flexibility.”  And then she gives her a job.  Right then and there.

STOP!  Now I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  If you are a professional massage therapist and someone offers you a job without asking for a demo massage first, you really should KNOW things probably aren’t legit.  Also, take a look around.  Everyone is wearing half unbuttoned shirts.  *WARNING WARNING*  Of course, Riley also couldn’t find a job in over a year so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.

Back to “the story”.  She meets another therapist. They shake hands. Riley says “That’s quite a grip you’ve got there!” “That’s why I make the big bucks.”  I’ll take a massage with a side of innuendo.

Riley has her first client.  He’s super hunky. Oh la la.  “What shall we work on?” Blah Blah… “My hips and legs are a little tight, too.”

STOP!  I’ve actually heard this before.  It’s true.  Followed by “I’m really not trying to get you to do anything.”  Buwahahahahaha

So Riley starts to massage Mr. Tight Thighs on his shoulders. She moves to his legs when he mentions “the tightness.”  To do this, she simply turns her body so her ASS IS RIGHT IN HIS FACE!  And… shockingly… he grabs it.  I know.  I know.  I couldn’t believe it either.  This guy who’s been checking her out as she pours out of her half unbuttoned shirt actually grabbed her ass when she stuck it right in his face while bending over.

HEY JLH!  How about learning a little bit of actual massage technique for this show?  I mean seriously, I will come and teach you!  Because while the premise does disservice enough to my profession, your “technique” REALLY makes us look bad!  Some good body mechanics might help you land a job!  Not to mention actually using some proper technique.  I guess you  lied on that resume you gave Georgia.

Well, Riley is SHOCKED and PISSED that Mr. Tight Thighs dare to go there!  She stomps out.  She confronts Georgia.  Georgia says Selena told her that’s the kind of work Riley wanted to do.  That 95% of their work was legit but some clients like “extras” (which, by the way, is indeed a euphemism that is used and understood in the industry).  Riley is shocked.  Well not her!  She’s a married woman!  Fine, you can see the non-extra clients.  It’s all good.

Side note- There are a lot of girls working in this place.  If 95% of the clients aren’t on “the list” who want something more, why are so many of these girls in the “something more” pool to choose from?  Huh?  What?  I’m confused.

So… blah blah… parade of hairy, overweight, old, rude, and “unattractive” clients.  (NOTE- A good therapist doesn’t give a crap what you look like or if you are hairy.)  The tips aren’t so big from these everyday clients.  Sheesh.  Maybe it’s her crappy technique?  That’s my thought.   Then Riley’s husband leaves her.  With the two kids.  So, of course, her only choice is to go ahead and see the “special clients” and really get her groove on.

BUT good news!  While the everyday clients are everyday people, the extras clients are ALL SUPER ADONIS HUNKS! Because.. yeah… that’s how it is.  It’s always the Adonis young men who are looking for extras.  It’s never the hairy, older, overweight CEOs who have 5 houses around the world.  Nope.  Not in Texas it isn’t.  And they are super charming.  They buy her lingerie to work in!  They say things like “It’s been a long time since someone’s touched me like that.”  And some of them just want someone to talk too.  It’s a good thing Riley is smoking hot AND a good listener!

The money starts rolling in.  Riley pays her mortgage in cold hard cash.  Her  husband’s brother accuses her of having A SUGAR DADDY!  And the client who just  needs someone to talk to?  His wife is stalking Riley and writing “WHORE” on her car.  But no worries.  Riley confronts her and then fixes their marriage.  Because she can’t save her own.  *Shed tear here*

Riley is on her way to the good life by dealing out some handsy massages.  Oh yeah… and some ice massages too.  9 1/2 weeks, anyone?

Of course, the other girls do seem to be showing a bit of jealousy because Riley is really bringing in the clients!  AND they’re angry because she’s TALKING to them and saving marriages and that’s not in their job description.  So we’ll see where that goes.  Maybe there will be a pillow fight!!!!!

While this show misses a lot on the actual massage side, they do have the catty nature of women working in a spa down pat.

Now here’s the thing.  A lot of this isn’t actually that far from what happens!

I have lots of clients who like to talk.  I know more things about more people.  I know about their families, I know about their trips, I know about their homes all over the world, their vacations, their marital woes, their affairs, their dinner parties, their everything… Many people do talk on the massage table.  And what happens in the massage room, stays in the massage room.

And clients do make hilarious statements and requests.  They will tell me how to do my job.  They will see how far they can push things.  If they didn’t, I wouldn’t be writing this blog.  It’s true.  Oh, Riley has a blog too!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

People are f***ing hilarious.

And so is The Client List.

It’s like a wet dream on the screen.  It’s like being a stripper to get through med school.

And yes, I will probably watch again.  Mostly because I want to see how much innuendo and “macheesemo” they can fit into an episode. (Of course I know it’s machismo.  It’s a pun.  Lighten up.)

But I will not be changing my name to Riley anytime soon.

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